One day, my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’
‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’
He yelled back, ‘ University of Oklahoma .’
And they say blondes are dumb…
———————————————–
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…’
———————————————————-
‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ‘honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’
‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
———————————————-
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
———————————————————–
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN
——————————————————————————————————————————— -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
———————————————–
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
———————————————————–
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manual.’

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don’t have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don’t stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and cause a vapour lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don’t know ….. It has never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven’t got a smile on your face

and laughter in your heart …

Then you are just an old sour fart!

Twa Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Rab, are sitting in the Farmers bar drinking beer. Tam turns to Rab and says, ‘Ye ken fit? I’m tired o’gan through life athoot an education. I’morn, I think I’ll go doon to the squeel and sign up for some nicht classes.’
Rab thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Tam goes down to the school and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes:Maths, English, History, and Logic.
‘Logic?’ Tam says. ‘Fit’s at?’
The Lecturer says, ‘I’ll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?’
‘Aye’
‘Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden.’
Tam replies, ‘At’s true, I div hae a Gairden.’
‘I’m not done,’ the Lecturer says. ‘Because you have a Garden, I think logically that you would have a house.’
‘Aye, I dee huv a hoose.’
‘And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.’
‘I hiv a femily.’
‘I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.’
‘Man! Yer nae wrang!! I div hae a wife!!’
‘And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual.’ ‘I am that! a heterosexual. That’s amazin’!! You were able to find a’ that oot, jist ‘cos huv a strimmer.’
Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers’s hand and leaves to meet Rab at the pub. He tells Rab about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.
‘Logic?’ Rab says, ‘Fit’s at?’
Tam says, ‘I’ll show ye. Do you huv a strimmer?’
‘No.’
‘Weel then, ye must be a poof.’

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, ‘Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?’

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew……

‘B*****d’s won’t let me fart.’

I’ve been working here a week now and enjoying it all, though an old debate has been restarted after chatting with my new colleagues - and it’s a life changing subject. In Edinburgh, it seems that fish and chip shops offer “Salt and Sauce” with your meal, unlike the west coast where the correct combination of “Salt and Vinegar” is offered!

I’m an open minded sorta guy so thought I’d start a little poll and see what the definitave answer to this eternal argument is!

Ah, the good old days, but were they really that good? Well, here’s an insight into how school compares now versus 20 years ago!

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .
1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.
1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.
2007 - Mohammed’s cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover fire-works, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 - Ants die.
2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee.
His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

Click here for some interesting disclaimers as stuck on some educational textbooks in the land of the free. The site’s also got some other interesting snippets poking fun at George “Dubya”, then again that doesn’t take much effort, he kinda manages that all by himself.