Twa Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Rab, are sitting in the Farmers bar drinking beer. Tam turns to Rab and says, ‘Ye ken fit? I’m tired o’gan through life athoot an education. I’morn, I think I’ll go doon to the squeel and sign up for some nicht classes.’
Rab thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Tam goes down to the school and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes:Maths, English, History, and Logic.
‘Logic?’ Tam says. ‘Fit’s at?’
The Lecturer says, ‘I’ll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?’
‘Aye’
‘Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden.’
Tam replies, ‘At’s true, I div hae a Gairden.’
‘I’m not done,’ the Lecturer says. ‘Because you have a Garden, I think logically that you would have a house.’
‘Aye, I dee huv a hoose.’
‘And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.’
‘I hiv a femily.’
‘I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.’
‘Man! Yer nae wrang!! I div hae a wife!!’
‘And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual.’ ‘I am that! a heterosexual. That’s amazin’!! You were able to find a’ that oot, jist ‘cos huv a strimmer.’
Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers’s hand and leaves to meet Rab at the pub. He tells Rab about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.
‘Logic?’ Rab says, ‘Fit’s at?’
Tam says, ‘I’ll show ye. Do you huv a strimmer?’
‘No.’
‘Weel then, ye must be a poof.’

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, ‘Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?’

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew……

‘Bastards won’t let me fart.’

I’ve a £5 top-up voucher (for T-Mobile) which I’m going to giveaway to the most interesting answer to the following question:

Just leave a comment and if I like your answer I’ll send you the voucher details!

What’s a mobile diddy I hear you ask, well, that’d be me! I just got a top up voucher for my mobile phone, tried to input the voucher code and it kept getting knocked back! Eventually I noticed I’d picked up a T-Mobile voucher instead of a Virgin Mobile voucher (Virgin use T-Mobile’s network for their services so you’d think there’d be a chance the voucher would work). Unfortunately, it’s not compatible so I’m left with a useless top-up voucher - well, useless to me so rather than wait 6 months for it to expire I’m going to give it away! (Don’t get too excited - it’s only a £5 voucher!).

It’s Bluetooth, of course, and my “new” phone has it. Yippee!!! I’ve just been upgraded to a shiney new(er) Nokia N70 - big thanks to DnA for the phone - I hope you know how much I appreciate it! It’s replacing the Motorola V220 I had for years, wasn’t a bad phone but had no bluetooth, so no handsfree headset, fortunately for me D replaced her phone a few months ago and offered me her old one, which I got hold of at the weekend - All I need to do now is find out how to work it!

I’ve been working here a week now and enjoying it all, though an old debate has been restarted after chatting with my new colleagues - and it’s a life changing subject. In Edinburgh, it seems that fish and chip shops offer “Salt and Sauce” with your meal, unlike the west coast where the correct combination of “Salt and Vinegar” is offered!

I’m an open minded sorta guy so thought I’d start a little poll and see what the definitave answer to this eternal argument is!

Diesel or DERV….I guess you’ve seen the fuel tanks on busses (or at least the bit where the fuel goes in) with “DERV Only” written on it - kinda silly if you ask me, I always thought DERV was an acronym for “Diesel Engined Road Vehicle” so does that mean they drive a very small bus into the fuel tank of the bigger bus, doh!

Anyway, I only posted this cos I was looking aqbout for aapricebusters, it was a site that compared fuel prices for a given postcode, sadly the site seems to have disappeared after the AA was taken over by some venture capital group. Looking on the bright side, I re-aquainted myself with petrolprices.com which is a very similar sight, they’ll even email you daily with the cheapest prices for your selected Postcode! Worth a visit, IMHO, and you might even save a bit!

That’s what my new job involves, lol, I’m now working for Menzies Distribution, I started there at the beginning of the week and it’s been marvellous so far. No worries about what I’m doing, the job seems straightforward enough, the people are great and the commute to and from work is a joy compared to previously. I just wonder why I put up with it for so long, I wish I’d done this years ago but isn’t hindsight a great thing.

The Sprog was on stage this week too (yeah, it’s all happening, lifestyles of the rich and famous don’t compare, lol), she had a little part in the school play and was great, didn’t fluff her lines or forget her prompts but most importantly she had a great time doing it. All the family were invited and everyone made it. Caitlyn loved being centre of attention (as ever, but what little girl doesn’t)

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And before you get any dubious ideas, I’ve changed jobs. I’ve left Chivas after almost 10 years and I’m starting with Menzies Distribution at the beginning of May. It’s been fun at Chivas (most of the time) but I’ve really had enough of driving over the Kingston Bridge every day (for those of you that don’t know, it’s more like a car park than a motorway during rush hour!). There’ll be a few people and a few things about Chivas that I’ll miss- the product allowance, the half days on a Friday and the people I talked too.
Anyway, it’s not quite so bad getting to Edinburgh from my place so travelling shouldn’t be near as frustrating as it’s been for the past couple of years. I’m looking forward to it, been a while since I started a new job and I’m quite excited about it too!